Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Is Oprah even human
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
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