can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
