It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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