apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
