I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
