What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
