I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
