How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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