he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
