How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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