Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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