Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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