I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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