I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
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