swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
