I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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