I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
