Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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