i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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