I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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