All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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