Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
