considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
