i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
