when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
