He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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