I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
