i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
