So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
