Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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