cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
