why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
