so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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