Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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