My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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