Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
