I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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