yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dignity is for republicans.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
