There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
