Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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