How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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