i think my mom watched the whole time
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
