I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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