it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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