Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize