i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
