Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
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