and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
