I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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