11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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