I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
