I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Just puked most of my soul out..
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
