She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
