Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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