Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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