The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
