What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
